We Don't Like The People We Hurt

Everything about the title of this article sounds wrong doesn't it? If anything, we should feel neutral about the people we hurt, but behavioral psychologists have proven time and time again that we actually dislike the people we hurt ... but why?

Psychologists theorize about a concept know as cognitive dissonance. It's the uncomfortable feeling we get when we hold two conflicting thoughts in our mind at the same time ... and it is a powerful motivator.

Here's how it works. Let's assume that you believe that you have amazing will-power. A friend challenges you to loose weight by not eating after 6:00 p.m. for a month and you agree. But, on the third day of your new diet you ate a meal after 6:00 p.m. doing exactly what you told yourself you wouldn't do. This is where cognitive dissonance kicks in.

When you hold two opposing thoughts in your mind at the same time you will look for one of two ways to release the tension. You will:

Change your behavior
I'm not going to eat after 6:00 p.m. anymore. I'm stronger than this.

Justify your behavior
I should not have agreed to this in the first place. It's probably dangerous not eat after 6:00 p.m.

But what does this have to do with not liking the people we hurt?

Most of us believe that we are good, caring people. We also believe that we would never hurt another human being. That's our self-perception.

Then, one day on our way to work we accidentally bump into a stranger and spill a full cup of coffee on their new dress. It just so happens that they're on their way to an important job interview and they did not respond to your apology or your offer to help.

Here are the facts.

1. You accidentally spilled coffee on them.
2. You ruined their dress.
3. You possibly had a very big negative impact on their interview.
4. They did not accept your apology

There is not doubt that you hurt this person in many different ways. You embarrassed them, you ruined their dress and you possibly cost them their job. You didn't do this on purpose, but you hurt them none-the-less.

Under these circumstances the vast majority of people (not us of course) will justify the accident and blame the victim.

1. I wouldn't have spilled the coffee on her if she was paying attention.
2. She shouldn't have been standing so close to me.
3. She was probably looking for a reason not to get this job and she wanted me to spill the coffee on her.

This may sound ridiculous, but it happens every day.

Let's take a closer look at the woman in this situation. Did she make you feel good or bad about yourself? (Remember, the key to likability is helping people like themselves) In this example, by not acknowledging your apology or giving you the opportunity to make things right, she made you feel bad about yourself ... and that's where the problem began.

Had she accepted your apology and allowed you to have her dress cleaned, you would have felt much better about yourself and therefor much better about her.

Let's assume that you were this woman. Let's also assume that you (without either of you knowing it) were going to interview with the man who poured the coffee on you. Think about how differently he would have treated you in the interview if you had allowed him to make things right allowing him to feel good about himself. I think you would have gotten the job.

If you truly want to be a likable person by helping people feel good about themselves, you will do everything in your power to make sure you do just that, even when you've been hurt by them. And the way to do that is to:

1. Not be hurt so easily.
2. Give people the chance to make things right when they hurt you.
3. Don't let people walk away from you thinking they hurt you. They will just like you less and try to make the situation your fault.

Now that you're aware of this phenomenon, I'll bet you see it play out almost every day.

If you have a similar story to share, please post it in the comment section below.

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